Walls Closing In
by Cubic Reality
Summary: Toji comes to realizations while inside the entry plug of Unit-03 in episode 18.


Walls Closing In  
  
By: Cubic Reality  
  
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Hey everyone. I'm a brand new author, who recently was hooked on the simply amazing anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. After reading hundreds of fan fiction stories, and buying DVD 1-7, I've decided to start writing my own. Unfortunately, I am into the whole Shinji/Asuka romance thing, but I'm not that good at writing them.  
  
So... this is what came out of my rather depressed mind, I have yet to read a story about what Toji was thinking about during episode 18, when his Eva was taken over by the 13th angel. This is being based on a fact that indeed, he was awake throughout the whole ordeal, instead of unconscious as it is hinted in the series.  
  
Hope you like it.  
  
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The first think I felt was pain. Pure, mind-numbing pain. Like a tidal wave rushing through my veins, I felt the angel come alive when Unit-03 came online, and it was mere seconds before the infestation was complete.  
  
My veins jutted from my skin as the angel began to seep into my body, pain shooting through every muscle. I never realized just how close the pilots are to their Eva's. I can't imagine how much it must hurt if your synch ratio is very high.  
  
Pain. The basis of human reality. Without it, life as we know it would have no parallels. It is the be-all and end-all of our concept of death, life, happiness, depression, kindness, and love. Each is a product or reactant of pain. Life is a reactant of pain. Through it, we learn the hard way just how much reality sucks. But from this life, this pain, our end result is happiness, and often love.  
  
I don't know how he does it. How can Shinji, the weakling, the coward, the one who runs away, and the one I beat up when we first met... How does he step into this plug, knowing that only pain will await him? And not just pain from the angels.  
  
But pain from his 'friends'. Some friends we are. He goes through all this for us, just to be teased, mocked, ridiculed, and even physically beaten. He isn't the weakling, he doesn't run away. We are.  
  
I'm the weakling. I took the easy way out. I let my anger at him for my sister's injury boil over so that I simply lashed out, instead of reaching out.  
  
I'm the one running. While he runs from those who cause him pain. I... we, the whole world; we run from reality. Everything that he has ever lived for has been taken, or has walked away from him. The mother he never knew, the father that deserted him, the friends that never saw him for what he really is. That is his reality, and has terrible as it is, he still is willing to fight for humanity. Salvation, at the expense of himself, for the world. Does the world really deserve a sacrifice like this?  
  
The angel is killing my friend. The fingers are gripping so tightly around its neck that I'm sure the neck will be snapped. God, if there really is one, please, make him kill the angel. I don't care whether I live or die. My sister is taken care of; I don't have to worry about her not getting the best care anymore. There is nothing for me to worry about.  
  
Why won't he fight back? He's almost dead, and he won't fight back! Common Shinji! Where's that raging beast I've seen in you? The one that you hide from everyone! I know it isn't just the Eva that goes berserk, but rather, you will it to.  
  
The eyes are glowing red. Like blood. Even with such a low synch ratio as mine, I can still feel the bones crunching under Unit-01's strong fingers. The pain hurts, but its a good pain. I know my friend will beat me, and he will survive to be the salvation of mankind.  
  
I can't even think straight. The pain is so overwhelming now. Shinji wont stop, he's lost control again. Again, I am thankful. I would be dead if my synch ratio was higher. My head exploded with pain, and the monitor showed a wave of blood hammer the near-by buildings. My arms, my chest, my legs, my face. Everything was screaming. But I won't cry out in pain. There is still a chance that Shinji may hear it, and I won't let him have a reason to stop.  
  
For once in his life, he's going to see something through to the end. No more second-guessing himself. He's made the right choice, and I hope he sees that. I will be a faceless pilot, nothing to cause him pain, regret. I don't deserve his mourning.  
  
The steel around me is creaking. This is it. This is where it all ends. At the hands of my best friend. I guess it's fitting really. I never gave him the shot to even the score between us. This is my repayment. This is my chance to make amends for all the times I never treated Shinji with the respect he deserved, never gave him an ear to tell his troubles to, and the hand that didn't extend in friendship, but closed in anger.  
  
Good work Shinji.  
  
And then my world was shattered,  
As the walls came closing in...  
  
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Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned and copyrighted by GINAX, all rights reserved.  
  
Authors Notes:  
  
Well, what do you think? I tried to get across some points that I think Toji felt through the series, but never expressed. Also, I added in some of my own personal thoughts on our 'reality' and such.  
  
Please review and tell me what you think of it.  



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